1962 I am born in Leamington Spa, Warwickshire, and emerge from the womb saying, ‘Someone lead me to cake.’
1973-78 I make life difficult for teachers and spend many lessons standing outside the classroom gurning through the window. Caring foster parents do their best to train me, taking advice from lion tamers and snake charmers. At times, I communicate with the foster parents only by writing them angst-filled poems and posting them on a pinboard.
1978-80 Spurning a place at school to do A levels in a fit of being-sixteen, I train at Warwickshire College to become a medical secretary.
1980 I move away from home to London and begin my first job at the London Hospital in Whitechapel as secretary to an Out-patient Psychiatric Department. I buy a guitar with my first month's salary and write terrible songs with which I torture loved ones.
1982 I find a man and marry him, going on to bear his three children. I work part-time, but not during the actual births.
1995 I attend classes in Creative Writing and find I have moved on from angst-filled poems and songs. Mostly.
1998-99 At evening school for a year, I study for English Lit/Lang A level, get the highest mark in the country, and meet David Blunkett and his dog at an award ceremony. I am featured in The Independent and the Mirror as well as local papers, looking as unlike an intelligent person as it’s possible to be.
1999-2002 I study for an English degree at St Mary’s University College, Twickenham, aged 37. I am officially designated a first-class person. I start publishing articles and features, enter small competitions, and sometimes get ‘runner-up’ or ‘highly commended’. Other times I get despair at failure.
2002-03 To make sure I spend the rest of my life despairing at failure, I sign up for teacher training in secondary schools.
2003-2015 Just as I gain my PGCE in secondary English and start teaching, the writing takes off, and I take up juggling (time, not balls). I begin writing regularly for the Times Educational Supplement and am published elsewhere, too. I write my own book ‘Being Miss’ based on my experiences at a boys’ independent school. I win some competitions for writing and for performance poetry. I move back to Leamington Spa. I do some stand-up comedy and cry afterwards.
2016 I spend a year on the prestigious Writing West Midlands Room 204 mentoring programme for emerging writers and have a blast. I learn things.
2018 Tony Collins, Commissioning Editor for SPCK Publishing, suggests I write a funny memoir, based on my years in teaching.
Right now? The funny memoir got written and was published by SPCK in May 2020. It's called 'Miss, What Does Incomprehensible Mean?' and there are approximately 103 links on the website which will enable you to buy it. Here's another one, just in case